Not enough fire, devil masks, or battle axes

Granted, Lordi’s a hard act to follow. A battle axe that shoots little flames, and devil wings that come out (a little creakily, granted) right there on stage. Yeah, baby. But this year’s Eurovision just didn’t have that hummable, wtf, is that Gwar?! factor?

But, ok, it had a large Ukrainian man of extremely ambiguous sexuality with a tin-foil skullcap and an ironic Soviet star on his head, singing German numbers not really in the traditional order, and then telling Russia to piss off. I think. And a bunch of glam rockers of equally ambiguous sexuality from Sweden, which, if only they’d rocked a little harder they coulda been something big, instead of just kind of appealingly swishy.

The real baffler, and maybe it’s a secret Rorschach-like thing, is the Serbians, a small, squat woman with a fabulous voice, and what seemed to be the extras from Charlie’s Angels behind her, dancers, except they weren’t dancing, only their hair was; the actual human-type individuals just stood around behind the singer and kind of patted her sadly on the shoulder now and then, like if all them Charlie’s Angels types had gone to a funeral wearing the uniforms of a dead dictator (red sash and all), and had to console the bereaved but full-voiced singer.

Also, you can’t dismiss the Georgians, who were kind of a Bjork song without Bjork, but with riverdancing samurais. That’s worth something.

Particularly compelling, the Brits singing a commercial for some airline that doesn’t exist, ’cause even Easyjet has better marketing materials than that, their attendants are kinda funny and these guys, what? Flying the flag all over the world.

Null points. Zero. Oh, drat, no, they have a few. If there was any justice, UK would have points taken away for that performance. Like, Blair would have to resign or something.

And, what? Estonia’s voting for Russia? Has anybody been reading the news? Or wait, the same Kremlin guys that hacked Estonia’s web sites totally jacked the Estonian vote. There’s gonna be riots again.

UPDATE: And there’s the Serbians winning. What’s a chubby transvestite gotta do to get a little respect around here? Not bad quality-wise, but let’s just say there’s not gonna be any Arockalypse this year.