John Borland

The iPhone is here. I already feel myself to be a better, more fulfilled person. I’ve heard that the problems in the Mideast are under control now, as a result, and the bombs they found in London today were really what you’d call celebratory, not aggressive per se.

Simply by repeating the mantra, or should I perhaps call it sutra, The iPhone is here, I find I have become more beautiful, more intelligent, taller, perhaps younger in a biochemical sense; I can tell that any genetic flaws I might have had — left-handedness, male-pattern baldness, a weak heart, predisposition to diabetes or blasphemy — all these have been wiped away as by a cool, cleansing cloth. My spelling is better, and brother, you should see my handwriting now.

I don’t personally have one yet, but of course I will, because it makes no difference whether I sell a kidney or not; my iPhone will help me grow a new one if I require it. Just knowing it exists has soothed my career anxieties, enabled me to switch to low-fat milk in my coffee, convinced me to start jogging in the morning and cut back on my consumption of beer and other intoxicating beverages in the evening. My penis has grown several inches, which I assume will have a correspondingly radical effect on the amount of spam mail I receive.

Already, I can only credit the iPhone for the startling improvement in my fashion sense, which led Kate Moss herself to call me on Skype just a few minutes ago and ask whether I would advise her on a few modeling dos and don’ts next season. Being above such frivolous activities since the release of this Olympian devise, I of course declined, but — on the sly — did give her a few diet and media-handling tips.

The iPhone has revealed to me, and I think to the world at large, the glories of veganism, of communal living, the futility of war, and of conflict, one man or woman against the other. I think that by tomorrow we will see corrupt politicians and corporate leaders across the world throw themselves on the mercy of mankind, confess their sins, and hand the reins of power to a cadre of benevolent turtleneck-wearing sages. It will be a better world, I can feel it.

I thank you, iPhone. I cannot thank you enough.